Am I alone? - Abandonment

I'm struggling with abandonment lately. Have either of my parents left? No, but they are always working and don't have time for me anymore.

My heart yearned for a forever and always. But for some reason, guys either avoid or leave me. Two guys left me. The first? He used me for over a year and then cheated on me. All of the sudden, he was gone. The second left because he no longer loved me, and wasn't ready for commitment yet. Was I not good enough?

To top off these guys leaving me, my "friends" have abandoned me too. I moved, so I was bound to lose some. I was ready for that. What I wasn't ready for? All of them mocking me and all of them laughing at me. Not okay, and not normal. The first guy and his new girl started a "hate on Bethany" movement. I was laughed and mocked at. My personal messages were shared around and laughed at. Twitter was filled with hate for me. No one stood up for me.

When the second guy left, so did all of my new "friends" I met through him. Now? I'm alone.

Where are you God? Have you forsaken me? Have you abandoned me too? Am I completely alone?

"Never will I leave you,

Never will I forsake you."

-Hebrews 13:5

Never.

"And surely I am with you always,

to the very end of the age."

-Matthew 28:20

Forever

and

Always

The Fall (Worthless... Or Are We? Part Three)

If you would like to read part one or two, please follow the links. Worthless... Or Are We? or The Rise (Worthless... Or are we? Part Two)

I fell. I tumbled down from the top of the world. Let me tell you, that is a long ways to fall.

You know that wonderful life I just wrote about? That didn't last long, it never does with me. Why? Because I decide I can live my life without God.

I fell back into the same addictions, habits I had with the first guy, except this time it was by choice. I don't know why I did it.. Maybe because I liked it.. Maybe because I thought that's what it took to keep a guy interested in me. Probably a little bit of both.

I wanted this new guy to love me. I wanted to keep him interested. So I started to trade away every one of my morals. Swearing? So what it's not like God cared about my words. I gave everything for this guy to love me. Just like I had before. And he did, he never asked me to change who I was. I assumed that's what he had wanted.

He and I began to fight. I started to cut again. He was distant, busy, and uninterested. I couldn't figure out why. I was doing everything in my power to be perfect for this guy. So why wasn't I good enough? I never really figured out why talking to him got weird, but he did mention his texting app was really messed up.

We kept fighting and I kept giving away more and more of who I was. I drew the line at drinking. That couldn't be tolerated. Too many of my friends and family have been hurt from drinking at a young age.

He went to a wedding, and drank. For a special occasion I could understand champagne. Maybe a sip to taste? That'd be fine. But that wasn't the case. He drank rum, gin, two bottles of wine shared with his cousin, vodka and a couple of glasses with champagne. He told me and and he couldn't figure out why I was so angry. It was the first time he'd done it, and he said he wouldn't do it again.. So I began to let it go.

That was a mistake on my part, for he had started making plans to make and drink a piña colada with a friend. I was distraught, because of our many fights and then this, he had promised when I met him that this was all in his past. I went to my parents for advice, and mom ended up driving me over to his house to talk to him.

I talked with him, he said he'd only taste alcohol.. Not drink. I confronted him about not talking to me, but calling another girl beautiful and comforting her. Where was he when I needed comfort? He wouldn't even touch me in public. I thought he was ashamed of me.

As it turned out, that girl was one of his second cousins who he'd just met. So I wasn't really worried about him cheating, just the fact he was never there for me but for everyone else, he was.

He apologized and said he liked me and really didn't want to break up. We talked for hours about the best choice, and we decided to keep going out. We hugged and talked it out, and then we ended up going swimming with a couple of his friends and having one of the best nights I've had in forever. The next day he was supposed to go to the movies with me, but everyone else who was supposed to drive us, bailed. So he ended up going to the movies and mall with a couple of friends. When he got back that night we were talking and I was upset about something. I think I asked if I was good enough for him. A couple hours later he broke up with me. I fought the next day. I wanted him back. Shouldn't he give us a chance? Once again I was broken. 

I said a lot of things I wish I could take back. I swore at him, I told him I hated him, I was awful. I was hurt and so confused as what to do with my life. Once again a guy had become my whole life, and then when he left it was hard to deal with. 

So I ran. That's how I calm myself. I ran to my favorite log by the pond on our land. I sat there and cried out to God. Why had he done this to me. Was this a punishment? I'm sure if anyone were to hear me they would have thought I was crazy.

After I had calmed down I apologized to that guy. I never should have done or said those things to him. We talked the rest of the day. Eventually I convinced him to stick around until he and I could go on a date. I'd never been on one and I think I was trying to form this guy into my "first" boyfriend since my real first boyfriend kinda skewed my ideas on how relationships should be. 

Basically, trying until a date was a horrible idea. He liked me, and I liked him, so we both thought it was okay to keep doing thing with each other. I was selling my body out to try and make a guy love me. Again. Why do I always fall back into that? I have no idea. I might be too insecure from the continuity of being told that I was worthless. 

I started talking to my first boyfriend again, having heard that he was having a hard time. We became friends for awhile, until the day I was feeling low on self-esteem and he thought it was a good idea to shove it in my face that his new girlfriend was prettier. He made a point to tell me that everyone in my old town believed the same as him. Now I felt even worse.

Then, the guy who I was still trying with, ended everything before we even managed to go on a date. He had only stuck around to try and make me happy so that after the date we could be friends. After he explained that he had figured out it was commitment that he really didn't want, I understood. Sorta. I was upset but that week of us trying to stay together had cleared my mind. He didn't want me. Not now at least, he had thought he was ready for commitment, but then realized that he was 16 and he wanted to have a couple more years before he got serious with a girl. 

It hurt. I won't lie. It killed. I talked to a couple of people. I cleared my head and thought it out. He was going away for camp in a couple of days so we wouldn't be able to talk, and right before he got back, I would be going to camp. 

Over two weeks of not talking. I could do this. I could get over him...

Couldn't I?

The Rise (Worthless... Or Are We? Part Two)

Previously I wrote about how I began to feel worthless and I told the beginning of my story. This is a flashback thats starting around new years.  If you would like to read part one, please follow the link. Worthless... Or Are We?

He was gone. He left and I was unwanted. Unwanted, used, dirty, and broken beyond repair. Worthless. There was no doubt in my mind that I was the exact definition of the word. Have you ever felt the physical pain, that was brought on because of emotional pain? That heaviness in your chest, the ache you feel.. The cloudiness in your mind.. That's exactly what I felt. Pain and loneliness.

I had been faking for too long. I wanted to quit. I wanted someone to be there instead of always trying to leave. I was mocked and laughed at. My youth group, who was everyone I trusted and who I thought would stick up for me, laughed. Just try and imagine that if you haven't felt that pain, everyone who you've known and been friends with for your entire life... Laughing. The guy who broke up with you, but yet you still trusted him, the guy who promised he would try and stop it, laughing. Everyone was laughing at you.

Then, on the very night that he left me (for it had been a long process so I had felt the pain for quite awhile..) I met someone... An annoying someone. 

Why was he so annoying? Because he had a big fancy camera and he had no idea how to use it which led to him continually asking me how to set up and what settings were good for low light... Couldn't he see I was upset? Why couldn't he just let me wallow in my misery. He was so full of energy, bouncing around taking pictures and talking to everyone, including me. I have to admit at first, he scared me so very much... It was late, people were drunk and partying and he was a guy obviously in college. I had no idea why he would talk to a 15 year old girl. He was so friendly though, that he inspired me that there was something to live for. He doesn't know this but he is what inspired my New Year's resolution. That I was no longer going to cut, and if I could go a year without it, I would get a tattoo signifying my success. 

If you know me I've always been a pretty shy girl. It was always hard to meet new people. I loved to meet new people, but I was always worried about how they thought of me. That lead to me not getting to know people very easily. But then there was that guy. So annoying and so lovable. Every day since I met him he would be at the ski area, seeking me out specifically, just to talk to me. It turned out that this guy had thought I was around his age, not 15, so he was a little interested. When he found out how old I truly was, he had a look of horror on his face, but we got over that and became best friends anyways. He introduced me to his brother. After a month of knowing him, he became my best friend and my boyfriend. To be honest those were some of the best months of my life. They challenged me to do new things and to be active. For once in my life I was social. 

I was on top of the world, sometimes quite literally, we found buildings or trees to climb and sit on top of. It was exhilarating and a great way to clear my head. I had a good group of friends, and I found that they had something that people in my old town didn't. Empathy. They knew what I was feeling, some had experienced it before and they actually cared about how I felt. Not only that, but they were such an uplifting group of people to meet. So full of energy and with some, such a desire to be closer to God. Many had grown up in a similar home life as I had, so they understood my morals. 

Do not be deceived: "Bad company ruins good morals." - 1 Corinthians 15:33

Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm. - Proverbs 13:20

Not only were they a good influence, they also were kind. Compliments aimed at me flew out of their mouths. Every person that I met in this new town thought my hair was gorgeous, they just had to touch it. I've never received so many compliments. I was told I was brave, beautiful, kind, smart, compassionate, original, and fun. Not once was I told that I was worthless.