Sunday, August 18, 2013

The Rise (Worthless... Or Are We? Part Two)

Previously I wrote about how I began to feel worthless and I told the beginning of my story. This is a flashback thats starting around new years.  If you would like to read part one, please follow the link. Worthless... Or Are We?

He was gone. He left and I was unwanted. Unwanted, used, dirty, and broken beyond repair. Worthless. There was no doubt in my mind that I was the exact definition of the word. Have you ever felt the physical pain, that was brought on because of emotional pain? That heaviness in your chest, the ache you feel.. The cloudiness in your mind.. That's exactly what I felt. Pain and loneliness.

I had been faking for too long. I wanted to quit. I wanted someone to be there instead of always trying to leave. I was mocked and laughed at. My youth group, who was everyone I trusted and who I thought would stick up for me, laughed. Just try and imagine that if you haven't felt that pain, everyone who you've known and been friends with for your entire life... Laughing. The guy who broke up with you, but yet you still trusted him, the guy who promised he would try and stop it, laughing. Everyone was laughing at you.

Then, on the very night that he left me (for it had been a long process so I had felt the pain for quite awhile..) I met someone... An annoying someone. 

Why was he so annoying? Because he had a big fancy camera and he had no idea how to use it which led to him continually asking me how to set up and what settings were good for low light... Couldn't he see I was upset? Why couldn't he just let me wallow in my misery. He was so full of energy, bouncing around taking pictures and talking to everyone, including me. I have to admit at first, he scared me so very much... It was late, people were drunk and partying and he was a guy obviously in college. I had no idea why he would talk to a 15 year old girl. He was so friendly though, that he inspired me that there was something to live for. He doesn't know this but he is what inspired my New Year's resolution. That I was no longer going to cut, and if I could go a year without it, I would get a tattoo signifying my success. 

If you know me I've always been a pretty shy girl. It was always hard to meet new people. I loved to meet new people, but I was always worried about how they thought of me. That lead to me not getting to know people very easily. But then there was that guy. So annoying and so lovable. Every day since I met him he would be at the ski area, seeking me out specifically, just to talk to me. It turned out that this guy had thought I was around his age, not 15, so he was a little interested. When he found out how old I truly was, he had a look of horror on his face, but we got over that and became best friends anyways. He introduced me to his brother. After a month of knowing him, he became my best friend and my boyfriend. To be honest those were some of the best months of my life. They challenged me to do new things and to be active. For once in my life I was social. 

I was on top of the world, sometimes quite literally, we found buildings or trees to climb and sit on top of. It was exhilarating and a great way to clear my head. I had a good group of friends, and I found that they had something that people in my old town didn't. Empathy. They knew what I was feeling, some had experienced it before and they actually cared about how I felt. Not only that, but they were such an uplifting group of people to meet. So full of energy and with some, such a desire to be closer to God. Many had grown up in a similar home life as I had, so they understood my morals. 

Do not be deceived: "Bad company ruins good morals." - 1 Corinthians 15:33

Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm. - Proverbs 13:20

Not only were they a good influence, they also were kind. Compliments aimed at me flew out of their mouths. Every person that I met in this new town thought my hair was gorgeous, they just had to touch it. I've never received so many compliments. I was told I was brave, beautiful, kind, smart, compassionate, original, and fun. Not once was I told that I was worthless. 

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