Am I alone? - Abandonment

I'm struggling with abandonment lately. Have either of my parents left? No, but they are always working and don't have time for me anymore.

My heart yearned for a forever and always. But for some reason, guys either avoid or leave me. Two guys left me. The first? He used me for over a year and then cheated on me. All of the sudden, he was gone. The second left because he no longer loved me, and wasn't ready for commitment yet. Was I not good enough?

To top off these guys leaving me, my "friends" have abandoned me too. I moved, so I was bound to lose some. I was ready for that. What I wasn't ready for? All of them mocking me and all of them laughing at me. Not okay, and not normal. The first guy and his new girl started a "hate on Bethany" movement. I was laughed and mocked at. My personal messages were shared around and laughed at. Twitter was filled with hate for me. No one stood up for me.

When the second guy left, so did all of my new "friends" I met through him. Now? I'm alone.

Where are you God? Have you forsaken me? Have you abandoned me too? Am I completely alone?

"Never will I leave you,

Never will I forsake you."

-Hebrews 13:5

Never.

"And surely I am with you always,

to the very end of the age."

-Matthew 28:20

Forever

and

Always

The Fall (Worthless... Or Are We? Part Three)

If you would like to read part one or two, please follow the links. Worthless... Or Are We? or The Rise (Worthless... Or are we? Part Two)

I fell. I tumbled down from the top of the world. Let me tell you, that is a long ways to fall.

You know that wonderful life I just wrote about? That didn't last long, it never does with me. Why? Because I decide I can live my life without God.

I fell back into the same addictions, habits I had with the first guy, except this time it was by choice. I don't know why I did it.. Maybe because I liked it.. Maybe because I thought that's what it took to keep a guy interested in me. Probably a little bit of both.

I wanted this new guy to love me. I wanted to keep him interested. So I started to trade away every one of my morals. Swearing? So what it's not like God cared about my words. I gave everything for this guy to love me. Just like I had before. And he did, he never asked me to change who I was. I assumed that's what he had wanted.

He and I began to fight. I started to cut again. He was distant, busy, and uninterested. I couldn't figure out why. I was doing everything in my power to be perfect for this guy. So why wasn't I good enough? I never really figured out why talking to him got weird, but he did mention his texting app was really messed up.

We kept fighting and I kept giving away more and more of who I was. I drew the line at drinking. That couldn't be tolerated. Too many of my friends and family have been hurt from drinking at a young age.

He went to a wedding, and drank. For a special occasion I could understand champagne. Maybe a sip to taste? That'd be fine. But that wasn't the case. He drank rum, gin, two bottles of wine shared with his cousin, vodka and a couple of glasses with champagne. He told me and and he couldn't figure out why I was so angry. It was the first time he'd done it, and he said he wouldn't do it again.. So I began to let it go.

That was a mistake on my part, for he had started making plans to make and drink a piña colada with a friend. I was distraught, because of our many fights and then this, he had promised when I met him that this was all in his past. I went to my parents for advice, and mom ended up driving me over to his house to talk to him.

I talked with him, he said he'd only taste alcohol.. Not drink. I confronted him about not talking to me, but calling another girl beautiful and comforting her. Where was he when I needed comfort? He wouldn't even touch me in public. I thought he was ashamed of me.

As it turned out, that girl was one of his second cousins who he'd just met. So I wasn't really worried about him cheating, just the fact he was never there for me but for everyone else, he was.

He apologized and said he liked me and really didn't want to break up. We talked for hours about the best choice, and we decided to keep going out. We hugged and talked it out, and then we ended up going swimming with a couple of his friends and having one of the best nights I've had in forever. The next day he was supposed to go to the movies with me, but everyone else who was supposed to drive us, bailed. So he ended up going to the movies and mall with a couple of friends. When he got back that night we were talking and I was upset about something. I think I asked if I was good enough for him. A couple hours later he broke up with me. I fought the next day. I wanted him back. Shouldn't he give us a chance? Once again I was broken. 

I said a lot of things I wish I could take back. I swore at him, I told him I hated him, I was awful. I was hurt and so confused as what to do with my life. Once again a guy had become my whole life, and then when he left it was hard to deal with. 

So I ran. That's how I calm myself. I ran to my favorite log by the pond on our land. I sat there and cried out to God. Why had he done this to me. Was this a punishment? I'm sure if anyone were to hear me they would have thought I was crazy.

After I had calmed down I apologized to that guy. I never should have done or said those things to him. We talked the rest of the day. Eventually I convinced him to stick around until he and I could go on a date. I'd never been on one and I think I was trying to form this guy into my "first" boyfriend since my real first boyfriend kinda skewed my ideas on how relationships should be. 

Basically, trying until a date was a horrible idea. He liked me, and I liked him, so we both thought it was okay to keep doing thing with each other. I was selling my body out to try and make a guy love me. Again. Why do I always fall back into that? I have no idea. I might be too insecure from the continuity of being told that I was worthless. 

I started talking to my first boyfriend again, having heard that he was having a hard time. We became friends for awhile, until the day I was feeling low on self-esteem and he thought it was a good idea to shove it in my face that his new girlfriend was prettier. He made a point to tell me that everyone in my old town believed the same as him. Now I felt even worse.

Then, the guy who I was still trying with, ended everything before we even managed to go on a date. He had only stuck around to try and make me happy so that after the date we could be friends. After he explained that he had figured out it was commitment that he really didn't want, I understood. Sorta. I was upset but that week of us trying to stay together had cleared my mind. He didn't want me. Not now at least, he had thought he was ready for commitment, but then realized that he was 16 and he wanted to have a couple more years before he got serious with a girl. 

It hurt. I won't lie. It killed. I talked to a couple of people. I cleared my head and thought it out. He was going away for camp in a couple of days so we wouldn't be able to talk, and right before he got back, I would be going to camp. 

Over two weeks of not talking. I could do this. I could get over him...

Couldn't I?

Worthless...Or are We?

Not enough. Ugly. Insignificant. Annoying. Good-for-nothing. Inferior. Worthless. 

How many times have I heard words like these in the past few years? Why has it become the "norm" for people to be brought down like this. 

I'm going to go personal with this blog, for myself, and for everyone else out there who is like me. This is only the beginning of story that is hopefully helpful to people.

For the first 14 or so years of my life I lived in a small town. It's cute and yes sometimes I miss it, but it's really not the town for me. When I lived there people called me ugly, people pulled me down. I recently found out that when I was going through a rough time and being bullied by a girl, everyone laughed, everyone who had promised they would defend me in that situation laughed. Why was this girl bullying me in the first place? Because I was dating the guy she liked... And for that I was called "cray cray Bethany." My youth group bus was named the "I hate Bethany Bus," the words "ugly ginger" were thrown at me quite often. Did anyone defend me? No. A couple of people didn't join in, but it wasn't until my parents and youth leaders got involved did any of this settle down. 

That guy I had mentioned I was dating? Yeah, let me tell you that story. He and I had been friends for awhile, and he ended up dating my best friend. For awhile everything was great, my two best friends were dating and I was okay with that. They never made me the third wheel. Then all of the sudden they were fighting, and surprisingly, this guy ended up liking me. Long story short, I eventually ended our friendship so I wouldn't lose my friendship with the girl. He stayed with her for a couple more months and then she ended it. A couple of months passed and the guy and I became friends again. However, since I had picked my friend over him he didn't trust me and thought I "owed it to him" for hurting him.

Last year in April we finally started to date. He began to use me, even a week before we started dating. He told me "don't ruin a good thing" whenever I tried to stop it. As time went on he got to the point where it was mentally abusive. I was manipulated into thinking that I was lucky he gave me a second chance after I picked my friend over him. Then all of the sudden he broke up with me. We stayed friends and he had me convinced that I was lucky for him to let me love him. We dated again for about three more months when he called it off again. We were still kinda together on and off for a total of nine months. In those nine months he convinced me I was overweight (I weigh a whole 116 pounds..) he didn't like my hair or my freckles. My personality annoyed him, according to him I was mean and awful. 

Our on and off relationship/friendship finally ended on New Years eve. He told me he hated me. According to him I would never get another guy without flashing my boobs. According to him I was ugly and awful... Recently he and I became friends again, I had heard he was having a hard time and I wanted to be there for him. That friendship only lasted a couple of weeks because out of the blue he decided it was a good idea to rub in my face that his new girlfriend was far prettier than me and that many of my friends (or previous friends) thought so also. This, which was said when I was feeling very self-conscious, ended or newly-founded friendship. 

So you can imagine I had a hard time when people would say "everyone is beautiful" because to me it just sounded so cliché. If everyone is beautiful why was I hated on so much for being ugly? Why did he use me like that? Why would people say things like that to me? Why are girls bullied and guys looked over. Because society sucks. That's why. It really and truly does.

Society has told us that if our hair is too frizzy, we're weird. If it's too straight, we're plain. If our eyes are too big we're creepy. If our boobs are smaller than others, we unattractive, when they're bigger we must not be natural. If we're too skinny we're anorexic, if we're too big we're labeled as fat. We can be too short or too tall. Our feet can be too large or too small... If our skin isn't flawless we're unsightly, and if it's flawless we must be fake. Butts can be too big or too small. Most people always want to be on the other side of the fence. 

That's just the looks that society has decided on. Society has also decided on what skills we must have. Because we of course must have a skill or else we're not good enough. 

Do you hate yourself because you're not pretty enough? Do you hate yourself because you're not good at art? Maybe its a sport that you want to be better at. Maybe you think your voice is awful... 

Did God really die on that cross for us to be good at sports or art? Did he really die for us to worry about being good at some earthly skill?

No, he didn't. Those skills are earthy things. They don't matter to people, its not what they look for in a friend or spouse. What they do look for is compassion, honor, respect, and loyalty. 

Here's a question for you to think on... If it's wrong to judge others, why is it okay to judge ourselves?